you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
