i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
