Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
