I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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