I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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