I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
did you just send me my own nude
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
