I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
