So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
