I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
