remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's blow job season.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
