an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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