i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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