Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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