I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
