I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She told me I should be a condom model.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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