gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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