I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
