There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
