I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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