fuck your aforementioned shoe
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
