the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
