Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
