Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
