That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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