Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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