Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
