so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
