I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
