I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
