I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
