i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
