non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
