i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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