when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
