You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
