Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
