how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize