I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I smell like Dick and happiness
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
