oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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