Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
