I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
