I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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