Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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