Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
