Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
