I think I won the penis lottery.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
