I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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