naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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