alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
