just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
