he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Are we still banned from the library?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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