She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
