I wish I could teleport
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
