I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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