Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
