The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
